By admin 
Sometimes Bat Country provides the most succulent treats at precisely the perfect time. Tottenham is traveling to Thailand for its second preseason friendly tomorrow morning, so it’s been a peaceful weekend. Sure, we had an idiot BILD reporter in a press conference holding up a Bayern kit with KANE 9 on it and pissing Ange Postecoglou off, but that was so idiotic that I opted not to give it any airtime here.
As you can see, this website has standards.And one of those standards is to only shitpost about the truly ridiculous. So, on a quiet Saturday, I’ve decided to write about something even stupider than revoking an unfunny German’s credentials: According to the Spanish newspaper MARCA, Tottenham Hotspur has made an offer for Kylian Mbappe.
So let’s get this out of the way first: Kylian Mbappe is not coming to Tottenham Hotspur. The article claims that Spurs have made an offer for the the PSG forward, as has Chelsea, Manchester United, and an unknown club from Saudi Arabia. Gotta shoot your shot, I guess. Why not? Harry Kane’s probably leaving this summer so damn the torpedoes!
The “only” problem (actually one of many, many problems, not least including that video from a couple years ago when Mbappe told Tom Holland that there’s no chance in hell he’d come to Spurs ever, but let’s focus on just this one for now) is that MARCA says Mbappe has his heart set on a move to Real Madrid. That’s a problem for PSG, because Madrid almost certainly don’t have the funds to sign Mbappe until next summer after spending £90m to buy Jude Bellingham a couple weeks ago, and it implies that he might be stuck at PSG unless he decides to go elsewhere and PSG agree a bid.
So yeah, Mbappe isn’t coming to Tottenham. But… and stay with me here… what if he did?
The way I see it, the universe owes Spurs fans something by now. There’s a karmic imbalance that started decades ago but has continued from Lasagna-gate to getting “Willian’d” by Chelsea, continuing on to that bullshit handball on Sissoko in the Champions League final, and into the utter failures of Jose Mourinho and Antonio Conte, both lock-down guarantees to win something while improbably managing Tottenham. We’ve paid our dues and then some. “Spursy” is, somehow, still a thing, and it sucks.
I say it’s about time the universe made some amends.
Send Harry Kane to Paris with a loaf of bread and a gift basket (perhaps featuring Pierre Hojbjerg). Get Big Ange to call Kylian and start the hard sell. Tell him he’s going to be the Man (because he most certainly will be the Man). Don’t allow him go to Chelsea and that serpent Pochettino without delivering a haymaker at him.
Do you still need convincing? Here’s a handy chart that can come in handy.
What could possibly go wrong? No, wait, what’s the BEST that might happen? Kylian, you have the potential to do the most fantastic and hilarious thing ever. Please don’t let us down. Make yourself a legend. Select hope.